Queen and Paul Rodgers (another one bites the dust...)

By UNCUNT staff

The other night I was flicking through the SkyGo channels on my iPad, like some sort of cunt. I use my brother's login you see. Which is, like, the cheaper way of having Sky. I watch two minutes of Game of Thrones, in which somebody gets raped and another person gets murdered. "Great", I think "heart warming how everything popular these days features either rape or murder."

I flick to Sky Arts, which is actually a great channel (thanks Murdoch, you limp pricked soon to be divorced mega rich elderly Australian cunt). Queen and Paul Rodgers Live. Ohhhhhhhhh dear, I think. Oh oh oh oh dear. What a shame. 

I watch one song, which happens to be Another One Bites The Dust. A shit song at the best of times. It quickly becomes apparent that this Paul Rodgers cunt is, well, not quite as good a singer as Freddie Mercury is he? Mercury had a powerful operatic voice that retained its power in any range high or low. Rodgers, well... he's just making a cunt of himself. "This is shit" I think, and I flick back to Game of Thrones. Well, a bit of rape and murder never hurt anybody did it?

The next day I tell Kevin about the concert (we are both big fans of Queen. Yes, that's right. That's what I said homie. Got a fucking problem? Queen are good. End of story. Chris if you're reading this, fuck you.) Kevin, laughing, asks me if they played 'Alright Now' by Free. "No, that would have confused the crowd" I said. "Yeah I suppose so" Kevin replies, "they might think are we watching Free featuring Brian May and Roger Taylor?". "And John Deacon" I say. "No, John Deacon wants no part in it any more." "Ah yes, I remember thinking that doesn't look like John Deacon. Fair play to him. He was always my favourite member of Queen, and again he's justified my faith in him by refusing to take part in this absolute joke. Why would they do that? Why?? Why didn't they just get a hologram of Freddie like they did with Tupac? Of all the singers in the world to try to emulate, don't try to emulate Freddie. It's like having Nirvana featuring Serge from Kasabian."

We both laughed. Because it's funny. What I said was funny. Nirvana...Serge from Kasabian....hahahaha. It's funny.

Then we decide it would be funny to carry it on. And we came up with a list. A list of bands, with dead members replaced by unlikely artists. Which is also funny. You'll like it. It's funny.

1. Nirvana featuring Serge from Kasabian
2. Bob Marley and the Wailers featuring Sean Paul
3. The Beatles featuring John Power from Cast
4. The Jackson Five featuring the main one out of JLS
5. The Rolling Stones with the bloke out of Reef
6. The Jimi Hendrix Experience featuring Lenny Kravitz
7. Otis Redding featuring Richard Blackwood
8. Ike & Tina Turner featuring Omar
9. The Doors with Pete Doherty
10. Pink Floyd featuring the keyboardist from Keane
11. Tupac and Biggie with Ant and Dec (blacked up)
12. The Bee Gees featuring the Mitchell Brothers Ross Kemp and Steve McFadden
13. The Bee Gees featuring Martin and Gary Kemp from Spandau Ballet
14. Boyzone featuring Julian Clary
15. Amy Winehouse featuring Katy Parry
16. T-Rex featuring Gary Glitter
17. TLC featuring Heather out of M People
18. Led Zeppelin with the drummer out of Def Leppard (if he's still alive)
19. The Who featuring the rhythm section from The Twang
20. Janis Joplin featuring Tulisa

UNCUNT Paedo Special

By UNCUNT staff

Let’s face it, we all like reading about paedos.
It’s one of those unifying things we can all shudder at and collectively hate; like the Nazis. Or Ashley Cole.
Back in April,The Sun published two front cover paedo headlines on consecutive days. Paedo headlines sell newspapers. Fact.

But whereas in real life paedos are imprisoned, electric-chaired, lethal-injectioned, even chemically castrated. In the music and film industries they’re virtually congratulated for it.

It’s a sick sick world. But let's make the most of it….

Jerry Lee Lewis
The seminal paedo and an American paedo (the worst kind). Lewis married his 13 year old cousin. Being a hillbilly hick he and his associates thought nothing of this statutory rape. When he tried to tour the UK however he was banned, stopped at the airport and sent home.


Nonce-o-meter: 6/10 (it was a different world back then)
Jonathan King
If a cartoon caricaturist was employed to sketch their idea of how a stereotypical paedophile should look, the end result would look almost exactly like Jonathan King. Look at his eyes and the lop-sided whimper of his mouth. A mouth that’s sucked on too many underage winkies.

This fat, misshapen dollop of shit buggered a lot of boys in the back of his Rolls Royce in the car park of the Walton Hop in the 70s, documented in Jon Ronson’s brilliant Guardian weekend investigative piece published after King’s trial – one of the best interview features the paper has ever done. It was 2001 and King had finally been convicted and sent to prison for 7 years.
One can only hope he was force fed semen and sodomised with a rounders bat everyday of his incarceration.
Nonce-o-meter: 9/10 (at the risk of sounding a bit Daily Maily...King makes me physically sick)

Michael Jackson
It’s wrong to speak ill of the dead isn’t it? Even skin-bleached, mentally damaged dead kiddy fiddlers.

“What’s wrong with sleeping with children? It’s a beautiful thing. Don’t be so ignorant, you’re ignorant” he said in that Martin Bashir exposé. (I’m paraphrasing…)

Probably the greatest pop star of all time turns out to be a nonce. Sort of like finding out John Lennon was a wife beater. Disappointing.

Nonce-o-meter: 7/10 (probably just touched them)

Pete Townshend
Oh, Pete. Why? Whhyyyyyyyy?

Oh...... For... research purposes? 'kay....

Oh, you were abused as a kid? Shit, sorry.

So, you logged on to child porn sites and put in your credit card details just to analyse what you went through as a kid?

Ok, yep I see your point, that all seems fine.

Sorry to have troubled you, carry on.

Nonce-o-meter: 5/10 (there are other ways to carry out research Pete. Ever heard of the library?)

Bill Wyman
When Wyman was 47 he started dating 13 year old Mandy Smith “with her mother’s consent”. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?????

But, it’s not really the mother we should be mad at. It’s the leering, sleazy, ugly, millionaire bass player from the Rolling Stones. It’s astonishing how easily and frequently this sordid tale is overlooked. Everybody goes “yes but they were in love and he later married her when she was 19”. And????

It.is.illegal.to.have.sex.with.a.minor.

She would have been in the third year at school for christ’s sake!!! Apparently he waited a while until he started banging her. Waited until she was 14. You know, he wanted to make sure she was ready. Do the right thing. He was nearly 50 you see, he’d had a lot of experience and wanted to behave like a gentleman.

To put it into chronological perspective: Mandy Smith was born in 1970 the year of free love and Hendrix’s death. Bill Wyman was born in 1936 the year of the Nuremburg rallies. Not surprisingly they divorced by the time Smith was 21 and Wyman was 53. Wyman probably couldn’t get it up by then.

Smith went on to marry former Everton and Spurs footballer Pat Van Den Hauwe - a fate arguably worse than being molested by a paedo.

Nonce-o-meter: 8/10 (if there’s grass on the wicket eh Bill? You filthy paedo cunt)

Roman Polanski
In 1977 (the 70s were a prolific decade for noncery) Polanski was charged with “rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy, lewd and lascivious act upon a child under fourteen, and furnishing a controlled substance to a minor”. This charge was later changed to “unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor.” As soon as he was physically able to flee, Polanski got the fuck out of America and back to the safety of France (where sleeping with underage girls is frankly de rigeur)
Mitigating circumstances? Polanski maintains the sex with Samantha Gailey was consensual. He also survived the Holocaust, his mother died at Auschwitz and he’s one of the most talented film makers of the 20th century. Give him a break yeah.

Nonce-o-meter: 7/10 (the Quaaludes thing looks bad and she did say ‘no’)

Gary Glitter
There are no words to describe this cunt. He should basically be killed.













Nonce-o-meter: 11/10 (the electric chair is too good for this cunt. I wonder if anybody…anybody…still has his records in their collection.)

R. Kelly
Pissed into a 14 year old girl’s mouth and filmed it. It doesn’t get more wrong than that.












Nonce-o-meter: 10/10 (hot and fresh out the kitchen)