Shittest Songs of the Summer: An UNCUNT Guide

By UNCUNT staff

To mark the 2013 UK heatwave, Shortlist magazine asked its readers to vote for their song of the summer: Daft Punk's 'Get Lucky' or Robin Thicke's 'Blurred Lines'. Those were the only two options. It was like a two party, first past the post balloting system.

For those among us who'd rather slice off their own foreskins and squeeze lemon juice into their urethras than ever listen to those two songs again, Shortlist gave its rundown of 20 other "songs of the summer" from the years 1993-2013. Some of them were unforgivably shit.

2012, for example, we were told was the "summer of Psy." The chubby Korean's jarring, clumsy, piss take of a song 'Gangnam Style' was "a cultural phenomenon," according to Shortlist. Let me just mark that down in my world history encyclopedia... under B for bullshit.

2011 was a Calvin Harris "bonafide summer anthem" called 'Feel So Close'. Anyone remember that? Or were you too busy squeezing lemon into the sliced open slit in your penis? Yeah, thought so.

Going further back in time to a year when music reached its lowest ebb in the course of human history, 1999, the song of that summer was Ricky Martin's 'Livin' La Vida Loca'. Now, I don't know what you were doing in '99, but 'Livin La Vida Loca' will always remind me of a long, tedious summer working at a telecommunications equipment depot in Harlow in Essex. The shittest town in Britain. It was the same year there was a total eclipse of the sun. This once-in-a-lifetime astronomical phenomenon was not visible in Harlow because it was cloudy that day. At lunchtime I'd get in my colleague's VW Golf and we'd drive down the dual carriageway, through the series of 15-20 roundabouts that comprise Harlow to a drive-thru McDonalds (the best restaurant in Harlow). Every time we turned the car radio on Ricky Martin was blaring out at us. One day, enraged, I grabbed the steering wheel and yanked it hard, sending the car careering through the central reservation and into the oncoming traffic on the other side. It was not a vintage summer for me.

In 1997 I worked at the UCI Cinema (now an Odeon) at Lea Valley, Edmonton. 12 hour shifts. Men In Black was the blockbuster film that summer. I must have heard the title track 250 times. In the foyer, in the auditoriums, in the toilets, in the ticket booth, in the car park, in the kiddies creche even out the back by the fucking garbage compactors. It was inescapable. I tried walking around with earphones to drown it out but my manager told me to take them out. The cunt. Even now, 16 years later, hearing that song makes me want to stab someone in the face. 

I say "someone", what I mean is Will Smith.

It shouldn't be hard to write a decent summer song. Gershwin's Summertime from Porgy and Bess, Eddie Cochran's Summertime Blues, jesus even Will Smith aka the Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff's Summertime for fuck's sake! Yet time and again some cunt takes it upon themselves to produce a real piece of shit.

Here's UNCUNT's selection of songs that have ruined summers in years gone by:

Mungo Jerry - In The Summertime

1970 - 7 weeks at Number 1

This mindless excreta is one of the most succesful records of all time, having sold over 30 million copies. Its lyrics are an incitement to commit rape as well as drink driving. Just four lines into the song and already we're into a depraved image of a sloshed hippy cruising the streets in search of disenfranchised female victims: "when the weather's right you got women you got women on your mind. Have a drink have a drive, go out and see what you can find. If her daddy's rich take her out for a meal, if her daddy's poor just do what you feel..." Charming. Really encapsulates the summers of the 1970s. A time before government advertising campaigns told us that rape and drink driving were not ok

Shit summer rating 4/5

Bombalurina - Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini
August 1990 - 3 weeks at Number 1
 

The first novelty hit of the 90s? Certainly the shittest. Everyone knows the chorus, sung by two vacuous blondes, whilst Timmy Mallett takes care of the verses and the occasional "Oh yeah!" Younger readers might think Mallett's presence in this song was an urban myth, but no, he's involved alright, arsing about in a hammock for most of the video. The lyrics seem to be about a pervert (probably Mallett) watching a woman on a beach who is literally too afraid to come out of the water. She would rather drown than have Mallett's leering eyes all over her, and I for one can't blame her.
Shit summer rating 5/5

Puff Daddy ft Faith Evans - I'll Be Missing You
May 1997 - 3 weeks at Number 1

The best thing about this video is Sean 'Puffy' Combs stacking it off his motorbike 12 seconds in. The cunt wasn't even wearing a helmet. RIP Biggie, you didn't deserve this.

Five + Queen - We Will Rock You
July 2000 - 1 week at Number 1
 

Hardly one of Queen's best songs, but when you take Freddie and John Deacon out of the mix and replace it with four (four?) cunts from Five it's never going to end well. Overly angsty delivery of the lyrics coupled with a bit of a rap takes things down hill very quickly. Yet the lowest point comes about two thirds of the way through when May rips into a trademark solo whilst the Five boys chant "Go! Go! Go!" Like some boozed-up Malia lads at a wet t-shirt competition.
Shit summer rating 4/5

Modjo - Lady (Hear Me Tonight)
September 2000 - 2 weeks at Number 1

If you've ever abused a Spanish shuttle bus driver taking you home from a nightclub in Tenerife where girls puked into pint glasses filled with Smirnoff Ice and lads wearing Ben Sherman shirts smashed each other's faces in while dry ice engulfed the dance floor, the chances are this was probably the soundtrack to that particularly bad summer. You'll never get that summer back.



Blazin' Squad - Crossroads
August 2002 - 1 week at Number 1
 

Strider, Melo D, Reepa, and MC Spike E, are just some of the cunts responsible for this one. Nobody actually knows how many people were in Blazin' Squad at any one time. Some of them didn't even know they were in it themselves, they just thought they were on a really good school trip. The video for this song isn't on YouTube, that's how shit it is. But the CD:UK live performance looks like a dancing Sports Direct catalogue at the worst school disco ever.
Shit summer rating 5/5

Crazy Frog - Axel F
June 2004 - 4 weeks at Number 1
 

At some point in time a cunt in the marketing department of a record label thought that this was a good idea. Get a cartoon frog to cover the theme from the Beverly Hills Cop franchise and sell it as a ringtone. This piece of shit was the 65th biggest selling single of the decade, the YouTube video has had 48 million views. It's the shittest song on this list and one of the shittest songs ever produced.
Shit summer rating 6/5

Rihanna feat. a rapper - Umbrella
May - August 2007 - 10 weeks at Number1
 

The shittest popular song in recent times. Maybe it took off because an umbrella is an essential summer item in the UK. It starts badly with the opening dirge by Beyonce’s husband, telling us he's in "anticipation of precipitation", like some sort of hip hop Michael Fish. The chorus is one of the most unimaginative refrains ever committed to record, with Rhi endlessly chanting "umbrella ella ella ella ella ella ella ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh." I'm not sure if it really does go on that long, but thats how long it feels.
Shit summer rating 5/5