Bands That Do Not Know When The Fuck To Quit

By UNCUNT staff

On the b-side to Morrissey's 1990 single Piccadilly Palare is a comic gem of a pop song called 'Get Off The Stage'. The composition is daftly buoyant and upbeat and the lyrics go "you silly old man, you silly old man, you're making a fool of yourself so get off the stage." Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend really ought to take note. Just look at the cunts. I hope they die before they get.... oh.

Morrissey delivers his cutting second line "you silly old man, in your misguided trousers, with your mascara and your fender guitar and you think you can arouse us", then goes on to accuse the unnamed OAP rocker of singing a series of songs that sound exactly like each other.

It's not entirely clear whether Morrissey is poking fun at a) himself, b) David Bowie or c) any generic pop has-been who does not know when the fuck to quit.

Now, I'm fully aware that the introduction to this issue of UNCUNT has inadvertently revealed the full extent of my geekish Morrissey fandom. But fuck it, we all have our skeletons in the closet. My skeleton is vegan, Mancunian and these days looks increasingly less like a skeleton and more like Desperate Dan after having consumed a significant number of cow pies. Or tofu pies. Or soy bean curd pies. Or whatever. What I'm trying to say is he's a fat bastard these days. Here's a before and after courtesy of The Sun...(thanks Murdoch, you cunt)


At the risk of being controversial (no! This blog controversial? Never!) it's becoming increasingly difficult to justify Morrissey's continuing presence either on stage or off it.

Mystifyingly, the wider UK public having succeeded in ignoring the zenith of his breathtaking solo career circa 1987-1997 has somehow taken it upon itself to fall in love with him now that he's beginning to lose all the things that made him so brilliant (a lovely singing voice, brilliant agile dance moves, a sharp-tongued wit, genius lyrics and a floppy quiff.) But that's the music industry for you. Become shit and you'll be rewarded with record contracts, mass marketing campaigns, front covers and the adoration of a sheep-like bunch of fawning gutless spastics wearing a t-shirt with your face on it.

While I've rambled on about Moz for a good few hundred words now I'm astonishingly doing a reverse and not including him in this list of pop stars who should really start thinking about fucking off.

Mainly because he's the greatest living human being and it would be blasphemous to do so. I would however like to see him retire very soon before his position becomes untenable. Just put the mic down and become a novelist Stephen, you know you want to.

As for this other bunch of cunts, the gloves are off....
1. The Rolling Stones.
On TV you'll see Mick Jagger bounce on to the stage in his Nike trainers and jeans and you think to yourself 'Nike trainers and jeans..? Have you lost all sense of self-respect? Are you mocking us?'

And in a way the Stones ARE mocking us. They're laughing to themselves going 'no seriously Keef, how long can they go on lapping up this dogshit act we trundle around the world year in year out? [Titter] can't they see we're wrinkled, crumpled grandads, I mean look at me I'm wearing fucking NIKE TRAINERS AND JEANS!! [guffaw]' and then the freak show rolls on to another town and they rake in another oooh.. £100k per show? These are long old tours. You do the maths...

Friends often ask me, when the freak show rolls round again 'come and see the Stones with us Josh, you have to see them', and I'll say 'fuck off you silly cunts' and they'll go 'no man, this is like history.' And I'll say 'will they be performing Let It Bleed in its entirety?' And they'll say 'no they'll play a lot of stuff from their new album it's really good' and I'll say 'right, and where are they playing?' And they'll say something like Twickenham or Milton Keynes Bowl or Murrayfield stadium. And I'll punch them repeatedly in the face until they're concussed and walk away whistling Street Fighting Man.

2. R.E.M
This band are as old as me. And that's pretty fucking old. They defined the terms of what alternative pop music could achieve in the 80s. Out of Time and Automatic For The People were two of the best albums of the 90s. Why not quit there while they were ahead? They had a good long spell at it. Why not walk away before they embarrassed themselves?

They recently recorded their 15th studio album. Fifth-fucking-teenth. That's too many albums. That's like sitting on the toilet and doing a large and satisfying poo and then getting greedy and trying to poo out more and more and more. Until eventually you get piles. And piles are hard to shift. Just ask Michael Stipe. He's got them.


3. Sir Paul McCartney
Sir Paul McCartney's not done a lot wrong in his life but, sadly, he's beginning to show signs of taking the fucking piss.

Let's examine his list of achievements...

He's my favourite Beatle: check. He's one of the nicest men in rock'n'roll: check. He's seen his share of tragedy - one time best friend and songwriting partner John Lennon dead, wife Linda dead: check. He's survived the other Beatles save for Ringo: check. He's consumed a lot of acid, a lot of weed and a lot of amphetamines (remember Hamburg right?): check. He's campaigned tirelessly for animal rights and vegetarianism: check. He's married a one legged ex-page 3 Geordie slag: check. errr.....wait he's done fucking WHAT now?

Yep, sorry about that. Let's carry on... He's performed on ITV's the X Factor: check. WHAT.THE.FUCK????? Yeah, soz. There was pyrotechnics and everything. It was properly fucked. Oh, Paul. You let Simon Cowell demean you. You were 10 metres away from him and you didn't knock the cunt out. Shame on you Paul.

Macca's losing the plot and when you lose the plot it's best to do it at home on a farm not in public. Not on world tours with shit session musicians. Not marrying new chicks just for the sake of it. Here he is with his latest, Nancy Shevell...

Wait, wait, wait....this blog is turning into the Daily Mail. Look, fair play to the cunt. She looks like she's worth the £85m divorce settlement that will be landing on his doorstep five years from now. Let him enjoy his retirement. Oh, he's not retired? Ohhhhh....

4. Manic Street Preachers
The Manics - as their affectionately known to their fans - could have quit when Richie Edwards jumped off the Severn Bridge. They could have quit after their 1996 album Everything Must Go became a mainstream chart hit and they became stadium rock stars. They could have quit when they got fat. They could have quit when everybody started to hate them. They could have quit after they released a song with a title involving the words 'tolerate' and 'children' in it. They could have quit when they began to hate themselves.

But they didn't. They're still here.

At some point surely the Welsh Assembly will have to bring in act of Parliament to force them to quit.

Where's Neil Kinnock when you need him?

Probably dancing to La Tristesse Durera in front of the mirror wearing a dress, eyeliner and wielding a bass guitar.

And fair play to him. I love Neil Kinnock. I'm not even being sarcastic. I fucking love him.