Operation Yewtree Investigations

By UNCUNT staff

"Rolf Harris?!?" people screamed when the Australian didgeridooist was arrested for being a potential nonce. "Yes, Rolf Harris...why are you surprised?" was my stock reply. "Oh but I loved Rolf Harris!" they said. As if that somehow made him less of a paedophile. "You loved a paedophile" I told them. And they laughed, because it was true.

The Yewtree purges, it seems, could be made more efficient by simply rounding up everybody who was alive during the 1970s and making them prove they're NOT a paedophile, as opposed to the other way round.

In the wake of the investigations, office workers around the land have begun 'who's next?' sweepstakes. That's not a reference to which member of The Who will be next by the way...

(Roger Daltrey)

But while all of this is 'fun' for those of us who weren't raped by famous people, I feel we should offer some help and assistance to the brave police officers heroically investigating. 

So with the help of some friends and a facebook thread we've come up with a list of potential paedophiles which I intend to submit to the police for investigation. JUST IN CASE.

This list is by no means exhaustive. There were probably many more. And before we get sued, we're not suggesting these people actually are paedophiles, we're just saying THEY MIGHT BE.

It's better to be safe than sorry. The accompanying letter will read:

"Dear Operation Yewtree,

Wow. Paedos eh? Fucking everywhere aren't they, the BASTARDS. My nan used to say she'd cut off their cocks if she could get her hands on them. They do offer chemical castration as an option now don't they? Fair play. I've always wondered...does that corrode the cock? Like if you poured acid on a cock and it withered away. That would sting like a cunt.

'String 'em up by their balls' my nan says. Fair play to her. But you can't can you? Human Rights etc. Anyway, before I get all 'deep' and shit, I'll cut to the chase. I've written you a list of potential paeds. This hasn't been scientifically thought through and there isn't any actual evidence.... yet. But have you ever thought of bringing in these people for questioning? If you haven't, please do. I think we will all sleep more soundly in our beds.

I don't want to whip up a storm of vigilantism. That's just wrong. But I want to feel ok within myself that I did all I could. I want to look back in years to come when people say 'what did you do when Operation Yewtree was happening?' and answer, proudly, 'I notified Operation Yewtree about Dicky Davies.'

...for example.

So, in no particular order:

Dicky Davies (if he's still alive)

Andrew Lloyd-Weber

Michael Barrymore (no? maybe the man's suffered enough. ok, leave it)

Adam Ant

Terry Venables

Noddy Holder

Keith Harris

Ben Elton

Louis Walsh (will try to sue, approach carefully)

The 'Sun' from the Vitalite advert

Pat Sharpe from Fun House

Craig from Big Brother series one

Nasty Nick from Big Brother series one (archetypal paed)

Bryan Robson, Mark Hughes, Viv Anderson, Ron Atkinson (in fact, question the entire Manchester United squad from the mid 1980s)

Cliff Richard (BLATANTLY)

Chesney Hawkes

Captain Haddock from Herge's Adventures of Tintin

Captain Bird's Eye (always had loads of kids on the boat)

Uncle Ben from Uncle Ben's Sweet and Sour Sauce (interesting how there hasn't been any black paedos yet)

Prince Phillip (BLATANTLY)

Nick Griffin

Piers Morgan

Robert Smith out of The Cure

Pete Townshend (again)

Bruce Foxton

Foxton's the estate agents

Fleet Foxes

'Dr Fox' (Neil Fox off Capital Radio - used to insist on being called 'doctor'. Prick)

Simon Mayo (god forbid)

Any member of any glam rock band

The guy that sits at the laptop in 'Pointless'

Roy Walker from Catchphrase

Mat Osman from Suede

The bass player in the Bluetones

Martin Rossiter from gene

Guigsy

Steve Craddock

The cellist from the Auteurs

Charlie Simpson from Busted and Fightstar

The lead guitarist from Soundgarden

Eddie Vedder

S Club Juniors tour manager

Neil Diamond

The Righteous Brothers

Glenn Hoddle

Marc Overmars

Sepp Blatter (cunt)

Jaap Stam

Emmanuel Petit

Roy Wegerle

Matthew le Tissier

Ruud Gullit

Ruud van Nistelrooy

Gazza 

Ian Rush

Prince Charles

Jesus (archetypal paed)

God (archetypal paed)

Father Christmas (archetypal paed)

Do let me know how the investigations are coming along. I appreciate it may be hard to reach God. Or indeed Father Christmas. But do try.

Yours

Josh and Chris from UNCUNT"