Shittest Songs of the Summer: An UNCUNT Guide

By UNCUNT staff

To mark the 2013 UK heatwave, Shortlist magazine asked its readers to vote for their song of the summer: Daft Punk's 'Get Lucky' or Robin Thicke's 'Blurred Lines'. Those were the only two options. It was like a two party, first past the post balloting system.

For those among us who'd rather slice off their own foreskins and squeeze lemon juice into their urethras than ever listen to those two songs again, Shortlist gave its rundown of 20 other "songs of the summer" from the years 1993-2013. Some of them were unforgivably shit.

2012, for example, we were told was the "summer of Psy." The chubby Korean's jarring, clumsy, piss take of a song 'Gangnam Style' was "a cultural phenomenon," according to Shortlist. Let me just mark that down in my world history encyclopedia... under B for bullshit.

2011 was a Calvin Harris "bonafide summer anthem" called 'Feel So Close'. Anyone remember that? Or were you too busy squeezing lemon into the sliced open slit in your penis? Yeah, thought so.

Going further back in time to a year when music reached its lowest ebb in the course of human history, 1999, the song of that summer was Ricky Martin's 'Livin' La Vida Loca'. Now, I don't know what you were doing in '99, but 'Livin La Vida Loca' will always remind me of a long, tedious summer working at a telecommunications equipment depot in Harlow in Essex. The shittest town in Britain. It was the same year there was a total eclipse of the sun. This once-in-a-lifetime astronomical phenomenon was not visible in Harlow because it was cloudy that day. At lunchtime I'd get in my colleague's VW Golf and we'd drive down the dual carriageway, through the series of 15-20 roundabouts that comprise Harlow to a drive-thru McDonalds (the best restaurant in Harlow). Every time we turned the car radio on Ricky Martin was blaring out at us. One day, enraged, I grabbed the steering wheel and yanked it hard, sending the car careering through the central reservation and into the oncoming traffic on the other side. It was not a vintage summer for me.

In 1997 I worked at the UCI Cinema (now an Odeon) at Lea Valley, Edmonton. 12 hour shifts. Men In Black was the blockbuster film that summer. I must have heard the title track 250 times. In the foyer, in the auditoriums, in the toilets, in the ticket booth, in the car park, in the kiddies creche even out the back by the fucking garbage compactors. It was inescapable. I tried walking around with earphones to drown it out but my manager told me to take them out. The cunt. Even now, 16 years later, hearing that song makes me want to stab someone in the face. 

I say "someone", what I mean is Will Smith.

It shouldn't be hard to write a decent summer song. Gershwin's Summertime from Porgy and Bess, Eddie Cochran's Summertime Blues, jesus even Will Smith aka the Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff's Summertime for fuck's sake! Yet time and again some cunt takes it upon themselves to produce a real piece of shit.

Here's UNCUNT's selection of songs that have ruined summers in years gone by:

Mungo Jerry - In The Summertime

1970 - 7 weeks at Number 1

This mindless excreta is one of the most succesful records of all time, having sold over 30 million copies. Its lyrics are an incitement to commit rape as well as drink driving. Just four lines into the song and already we're into a depraved image of a sloshed hippy cruising the streets in search of disenfranchised female victims: "when the weather's right you got women you got women on your mind. Have a drink have a drive, go out and see what you can find. If her daddy's rich take her out for a meal, if her daddy's poor just do what you feel..." Charming. Really encapsulates the summers of the 1970s. A time before government advertising campaigns told us that rape and drink driving were not ok

Shit summer rating 4/5

Bombalurina - Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini
August 1990 - 3 weeks at Number 1
 

The first novelty hit of the 90s? Certainly the shittest. Everyone knows the chorus, sung by two vacuous blondes, whilst Timmy Mallett takes care of the verses and the occasional "Oh yeah!" Younger readers might think Mallett's presence in this song was an urban myth, but no, he's involved alright, arsing about in a hammock for most of the video. The lyrics seem to be about a pervert (probably Mallett) watching a woman on a beach who is literally too afraid to come out of the water. She would rather drown than have Mallett's leering eyes all over her, and I for one can't blame her.
Shit summer rating 5/5

Puff Daddy ft Faith Evans - I'll Be Missing You
May 1997 - 3 weeks at Number 1

The best thing about this video is Sean 'Puffy' Combs stacking it off his motorbike 12 seconds in. The cunt wasn't even wearing a helmet. RIP Biggie, you didn't deserve this.

Five + Queen - We Will Rock You
July 2000 - 1 week at Number 1
 

Hardly one of Queen's best songs, but when you take Freddie and John Deacon out of the mix and replace it with four (four?) cunts from Five it's never going to end well. Overly angsty delivery of the lyrics coupled with a bit of a rap takes things down hill very quickly. Yet the lowest point comes about two thirds of the way through when May rips into a trademark solo whilst the Five boys chant "Go! Go! Go!" Like some boozed-up Malia lads at a wet t-shirt competition.
Shit summer rating 4/5

Modjo - Lady (Hear Me Tonight)
September 2000 - 2 weeks at Number 1

If you've ever abused a Spanish shuttle bus driver taking you home from a nightclub in Tenerife where girls puked into pint glasses filled with Smirnoff Ice and lads wearing Ben Sherman shirts smashed each other's faces in while dry ice engulfed the dance floor, the chances are this was probably the soundtrack to that particularly bad summer. You'll never get that summer back.



Blazin' Squad - Crossroads
August 2002 - 1 week at Number 1
 

Strider, Melo D, Reepa, and MC Spike E, are just some of the cunts responsible for this one. Nobody actually knows how many people were in Blazin' Squad at any one time. Some of them didn't even know they were in it themselves, they just thought they were on a really good school trip. The video for this song isn't on YouTube, that's how shit it is. But the CD:UK live performance looks like a dancing Sports Direct catalogue at the worst school disco ever.
Shit summer rating 5/5

Crazy Frog - Axel F
June 2004 - 4 weeks at Number 1
 

At some point in time a cunt in the marketing department of a record label thought that this was a good idea. Get a cartoon frog to cover the theme from the Beverly Hills Cop franchise and sell it as a ringtone. This piece of shit was the 65th biggest selling single of the decade, the YouTube video has had 48 million views. It's the shittest song on this list and one of the shittest songs ever produced.
Shit summer rating 6/5

Rihanna feat. a rapper - Umbrella
May - August 2007 - 10 weeks at Number1
 

The shittest popular song in recent times. Maybe it took off because an umbrella is an essential summer item in the UK. It starts badly with the opening dirge by Beyonce’s husband, telling us he's in "anticipation of precipitation", like some sort of hip hop Michael Fish. The chorus is one of the most unimaginative refrains ever committed to record, with Rhi endlessly chanting "umbrella ella ella ella ella ella ella ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh." I'm not sure if it really does go on that long, but thats how long it feels.
Shit summer rating 5/5
  

Queen and Paul Rodgers (another one bites the dust...)

By UNCUNT staff

The other night I was flicking through the SkyGo channels on my iPad, like some sort of cunt. I use my brother's login you see. Which is, like, the cheaper way of having Sky. I watch two minutes of Game of Thrones, in which somebody gets raped and another person gets murdered. "Great", I think "heart warming how everything popular these days features either rape or murder."

I flick to Sky Arts, which is actually a great channel (thanks Murdoch, you limp pricked soon to be divorced mega rich elderly Australian cunt). Queen and Paul Rodgers Live. Ohhhhhhhhh dear, I think. Oh oh oh oh dear. What a shame. 

I watch one song, which happens to be Another One Bites The Dust. A shit song at the best of times. It quickly becomes apparent that this Paul Rodgers cunt is, well, not quite as good a singer as Freddie Mercury is he? Mercury had a powerful operatic voice that retained its power in any range high or low. Rodgers, well... he's just making a cunt of himself. "This is shit" I think, and I flick back to Game of Thrones. Well, a bit of rape and murder never hurt anybody did it?

The next day I tell Kevin about the concert (we are both big fans of Queen. Yes, that's right. That's what I said homie. Got a fucking problem? Queen are good. End of story. Chris if you're reading this, fuck you.) Kevin, laughing, asks me if they played 'Alright Now' by Free. "No, that would have confused the crowd" I said. "Yeah I suppose so" Kevin replies, "they might think are we watching Free featuring Brian May and Roger Taylor?". "And John Deacon" I say. "No, John Deacon wants no part in it any more." "Ah yes, I remember thinking that doesn't look like John Deacon. Fair play to him. He was always my favourite member of Queen, and again he's justified my faith in him by refusing to take part in this absolute joke. Why would they do that? Why?? Why didn't they just get a hologram of Freddie like they did with Tupac? Of all the singers in the world to try to emulate, don't try to emulate Freddie. It's like having Nirvana featuring Serge from Kasabian."

We both laughed. Because it's funny. What I said was funny. Nirvana...Serge from Kasabian....hahahaha. It's funny.

Then we decide it would be funny to carry it on. And we came up with a list. A list of bands, with dead members replaced by unlikely artists. Which is also funny. You'll like it. It's funny.

1. Nirvana featuring Serge from Kasabian
2. Bob Marley and the Wailers featuring Sean Paul
3. The Beatles featuring John Power from Cast
4. The Jackson Five featuring the main one out of JLS
5. The Rolling Stones with the bloke out of Reef
6. The Jimi Hendrix Experience featuring Lenny Kravitz
7. Otis Redding featuring Richard Blackwood
8. Ike & Tina Turner featuring Omar
9. The Doors with Pete Doherty
10. Pink Floyd featuring the keyboardist from Keane
11. Tupac and Biggie with Ant and Dec (blacked up)
12. The Bee Gees featuring the Mitchell Brothers Ross Kemp and Steve McFadden
13. The Bee Gees featuring Martin and Gary Kemp from Spandau Ballet
14. Boyzone featuring Julian Clary
15. Amy Winehouse featuring Katy Parry
16. T-Rex featuring Gary Glitter
17. TLC featuring Heather out of M People
18. Led Zeppelin with the drummer out of Def Leppard (if he's still alive)
19. The Who featuring the rhythm section from The Twang
20. Janis Joplin featuring Tulisa

Operation Yewtree Investigations

By UNCUNT staff

"Rolf Harris?!?" people screamed when the Australian didgeridooist was arrested for being a potential nonce. "Yes, Rolf Harris...why are you surprised?" was my stock reply. "Oh but I loved Rolf Harris!" they said. As if that somehow made him less of a paedophile. "You loved a paedophile" I told them. And they laughed, because it was true.

The Yewtree purges, it seems, could be made more efficient by simply rounding up everybody who was alive during the 1970s and making them prove they're NOT a paedophile, as opposed to the other way round.

In the wake of the investigations, office workers around the land have begun 'who's next?' sweepstakes. That's not a reference to which member of The Who will be next by the way...

(Roger Daltrey)

But while all of this is 'fun' for those of us who weren't raped by famous people, I feel we should offer some help and assistance to the brave police officers heroically investigating. 

So with the help of some friends and a facebook thread we've come up with a list of potential paedophiles which I intend to submit to the police for investigation. JUST IN CASE.

This list is by no means exhaustive. There were probably many more. And before we get sued, we're not suggesting these people actually are paedophiles, we're just saying THEY MIGHT BE.

It's better to be safe than sorry. The accompanying letter will read:

"Dear Operation Yewtree,

Wow. Paedos eh? Fucking everywhere aren't they, the BASTARDS. My nan used to say she'd cut off their cocks if she could get her hands on them. They do offer chemical castration as an option now don't they? Fair play. I've always wondered...does that corrode the cock? Like if you poured acid on a cock and it withered away. That would sting like a cunt.

'String 'em up by their balls' my nan says. Fair play to her. But you can't can you? Human Rights etc. Anyway, before I get all 'deep' and shit, I'll cut to the chase. I've written you a list of potential paeds. This hasn't been scientifically thought through and there isn't any actual evidence.... yet. But have you ever thought of bringing in these people for questioning? If you haven't, please do. I think we will all sleep more soundly in our beds.

I don't want to whip up a storm of vigilantism. That's just wrong. But I want to feel ok within myself that I did all I could. I want to look back in years to come when people say 'what did you do when Operation Yewtree was happening?' and answer, proudly, 'I notified Operation Yewtree about Dicky Davies.'

...for example.

So, in no particular order:

Dicky Davies (if he's still alive)

Andrew Lloyd-Weber

Michael Barrymore (no? maybe the man's suffered enough. ok, leave it)

Adam Ant

Terry Venables

Noddy Holder

Keith Harris

Ben Elton

Louis Walsh (will try to sue, approach carefully)

The 'Sun' from the Vitalite advert

Pat Sharpe from Fun House

Craig from Big Brother series one

Nasty Nick from Big Brother series one (archetypal paed)

Bryan Robson, Mark Hughes, Viv Anderson, Ron Atkinson (in fact, question the entire Manchester United squad from the mid 1980s)

Cliff Richard (BLATANTLY)

Chesney Hawkes

Captain Haddock from Herge's Adventures of Tintin

Captain Bird's Eye (always had loads of kids on the boat)

Uncle Ben from Uncle Ben's Sweet and Sour Sauce (interesting how there hasn't been any black paedos yet)

Prince Phillip (BLATANTLY)

Nick Griffin

Piers Morgan

Robert Smith out of The Cure

Pete Townshend (again)

Bruce Foxton

Foxton's the estate agents

Fleet Foxes

'Dr Fox' (Neil Fox off Capital Radio - used to insist on being called 'doctor'. Prick)

Simon Mayo (god forbid)

Any member of any glam rock band

The guy that sits at the laptop in 'Pointless'

Roy Walker from Catchphrase

Mat Osman from Suede

The bass player in the Bluetones

Martin Rossiter from gene

Guigsy

Steve Craddock

The cellist from the Auteurs

Charlie Simpson from Busted and Fightstar

The lead guitarist from Soundgarden

Eddie Vedder

S Club Juniors tour manager

Neil Diamond

The Righteous Brothers

Glenn Hoddle

Marc Overmars

Sepp Blatter (cunt)

Jaap Stam

Emmanuel Petit

Roy Wegerle

Matthew le Tissier

Ruud Gullit

Ruud van Nistelrooy

Gazza 

Ian Rush

Prince Charles

Jesus (archetypal paed)

God (archetypal paed)

Father Christmas (archetypal paed)

Do let me know how the investigations are coming along. I appreciate it may be hard to reach God. Or indeed Father Christmas. But do try.

Yours

Josh and Chris from UNCUNT"

 

 

The Rain Room

By UNCUNT staff

For months London has been agog at a piece of conceptual art at the Barbican. A room in which you can look at rain and even get rained on.

Why??? etc...

Creator, Hannes Koch (yes, Koch) describes it as a "social experiment" while co-creator Florian Ortkrass (yes, krass) claims it is "very different to having an umbrella."

Let's consider this. It rains about 50% of the year in this country. Any given week, sometimes for weeks on end, it's shitting it down. Often we have to stay indoors in our houses, like tagged offenders, to avoid getting drenched. Why, pray, would one want to leave their house, travel to the concrete bunker of the Barbican, queue for half a day only to enter a room and get rained on. You could just stay home in your own room and not get rained on.

What next? An overcast gallery? A room of slate grey clouds. A windy room, where you can experience an artificially created bitterly cold gale?

With prosaic Englishness in mind, we set about thinking of other humdrum, run-of-the-mill, everyday, non-descript facts of modern urban life that we might turn into cuntish art exhibitions. Things that basically occur naturally that mugs might find excitingly artistic.

Here's our shortlist:

The Pavement Room
An exhibition of paving slabs with chewing gum on them. Visitors are invited to walk around the pavement looking at the different wadded and matted bits of discarded gum and think depressing thoughts.

The Crane Room
A room full of cranes towering over an urban construction site. When you go to one end of the room you see the cranes from a different angle.

The Roadworks Room
Just a room full of roadworks that you can't walk through and nothing's actually happening in.

The Pigeon Room
Flea infested pigeons pecking about a courtyard. You go near them and they startle and flutter about.

The Overflowing Bin Room
Visitors are given a small piece of paper to put into a bin thats almost full.

The Taxi Rank Room
Taxis lined up in a room pouring out petrol fumes polluting the entire room while cab drivers sit behind the wheel reading copies of The Sun and using the N word repeatedly. Visitors have to find the corner of the room least polluted and where the cabbies are least audible.

The Doctors Waiting Room Room
A room with only one free chair, surrounded by coughing old people and horrible old children's toys and sticky golfing magazines. You have to wait for your name to be called. But it never gets called.

The Dual Carriageway Room
Similar to the Taxi Rank Room but more visceral. Visitors stand in the central reservation of a four lane motorway while simulated cars zoom past. Occasionally cars break down and children are sick out of the window. Watch out for the sick, you might get sicked on!

The Sunday Afternoon Room
An ambitious installation in which hundreds of yorkshire puddings and slabs of roast beef have been set out on plates with gravy jugs close to them. The Antiques Roadshow is streamed continuously on a giant screen and performance artists fall asleep in armchairs.

The Massively Long Queue for an Installation Room Room
You stand in a simulated queue for an installation while performers piss into bottles, complain to friends on their mobile phones, eat McDonald's, discard the rubbish and slowly get hypothermia around you. You keep thinking you're
getting to the front of the queue but you're not. Because the queue is the actual event. You have to queue for up to 3 hours to get into the "queue". It's like Alton Towers used to be. But there's no rollercoasters at the end of the
queue. Ironically, when you leave the exhibit you get actually rained on. By the actual rain.