Cunts of Leon

By UNCUNT staff

When is something going to be done about Kings of Leon? They show no signs of voluntarily packing up their gear and fucking off, so surely it falls to us - the British public - to get the message home that their kind are not wanted here?

Well, so far, the British public have singularly failed to get this message across. In fact, like poorly little puppy dogs at Battersea Dog’s Home we’ve been metaphorically lapping up Kings of Leon’s vomit for virtually the past decade. We’ve been sniffing their shit and licking their balls like inquisitive dogs on heat. What is our fucking problem?

When these bearded cunts emerged out of Tennessee clinging desperately to the coat tails of the Strokes and the White Stripes like some kind of deranged maniacs the joke was rather droll for a time. But it soon wore thin….

‘Red Morning Light’? Doesn’t mean anything, can’t hear what he’s saying but it’s lively enough and I like how the drummer hits the cymbals.

‘Molly’s Chamber’? Doesn’t mean anything, can’t hear what’s he’s saying, it’s a bit less lively and the drummer’s not hitting the cymbal in the same way.

‘The Bucket’? Ok, he’s enunciating better here but what’s this shit about “18 and balding”?

King of the Rodeo? Lively enough. But what the FUCK is he saying???? Open your mouth you mumbling, clichéd fuckpiece.

By the time they got on to their ‘wanky rock star’ phase of 'On Call' and (somebody please rip off my ears with cheese wire then shoot me in the face) 'Sex On Fire', the warning signs had long been ignored. Their popularity went up, their sales went up, their marketability went up, their stadium tour bookings went up. The quality of the music went down. Strange that…

But it really is those stadium tours that irk us the most here at UNCUNT. Do they ever leave our shores? Clearly they’ve identified Britain as a weak, vulnerable spot they can exploit. To the point where some kind of regulatory body should step in and place a cease and desist order. They’ve never achieved success in their native America. Why would they? Americans aren’t impressed with bands whose main selling point is being American.

3-4 times a year these cunts come back over here with their American ways – stealing our jobs and raping our women. Playing the O2, Wembley or Hyde Park. No sooner have they got off stage from playing their traditional pre-Christmas show then their cunt of a tour manager is booking their next pre-Christmas show.

For their upcoming O2 shows, Ticketmaster have a special Kings of Leon Ultimate Experience deal. For the price of a mere £295 one can buy tickets to the borefest plus entrance to an exclusive pre-show ‘party’ (not after-party you understand) at which they might, just might be able to catch a fleeting glimpse of their hairy heroes. Possibly even talk to them. Definitely not touch them though, security would step in to prevent that happening. Ach, who are we kidding huh? The band will probably be in a roped off area refusing to make eye contact with the plebs. Like David Bowie in that episode of Extras. Also included in the price: an exclusive tour poster. What?? Like exclusive as in ‘only available on eBay’ exclusive?’ Presumably the lucky punters are allowed crisps and peanuts and a can of Lilt before being ushered away from the ‘party’.

But don’t blame Ticketmaster for this hideous corporate sell out. This has the Cunts of Leon hallmark all over it. They are here to demand your money (average £55 per concert ticket) in return for a sub-standard parody of Deep South rock’n’roll.

They’re not big, they’re not clever. They’re inbred and they’re very very ugly. Do something better with your lives.

Choose life, choose a career. Just Say No to Kings of Leon.

UNCUNT Paedo Special

By UNCUNT staff

Let’s face it, we all like reading about paedos.
It’s one of those unifying things we can all shudder at and collectively hate; like the Nazis. Or Ashley Cole.
Back in April,The Sun published two front cover paedo headlines on consecutive days. Paedo headlines sell newspapers. Fact.

But whereas in real life paedos are imprisoned, electric-chaired, lethal-injectioned, even chemically castrated. In the music and film industries they’re virtually congratulated for it.

It’s a sick sick world. But let's make the most of it….

Jerry Lee Lewis
The seminal paedo and an American paedo (the worst kind). Lewis married his 13 year old cousin. Being a hillbilly hick he and his associates thought nothing of this statutory rape. When he tried to tour the UK however he was banned, stopped at the airport and sent home.


Nonce-o-meter: 6/10 (it was a different world back then)
Jonathan King
If a cartoon caricaturist was employed to sketch their idea of how a stereotypical paedophile should look, the end result would look almost exactly like Jonathan King. Look at his eyes and the lop-sided whimper of his mouth. A mouth that’s sucked on too many underage winkies.

This fat, misshapen dollop of shit buggered a lot of boys in the back of his Rolls Royce in the car park of the Walton Hop in the 70s, documented in Jon Ronson’s brilliant Guardian weekend investigative piece published after King’s trial – one of the best interview features the paper has ever done. It was 2001 and King had finally been convicted and sent to prison for 7 years.
One can only hope he was force fed semen and sodomised with a rounders bat everyday of his incarceration.
Nonce-o-meter: 9/10 (at the risk of sounding a bit Daily Maily...King makes me physically sick)

Michael Jackson
It’s wrong to speak ill of the dead isn’t it? Even skin-bleached, mentally damaged dead kiddy fiddlers.

“What’s wrong with sleeping with children? It’s a beautiful thing. Don’t be so ignorant, you’re ignorant” he said in that Martin Bashir exposé. (I’m paraphrasing…)

Probably the greatest pop star of all time turns out to be a nonce. Sort of like finding out John Lennon was a wife beater. Disappointing.

Nonce-o-meter: 7/10 (probably just touched them)

Pete Townshend
Oh, Pete. Why? Whhyyyyyyyy?

Oh...... For... research purposes? 'kay....

Oh, you were abused as a kid? Shit, sorry.

So, you logged on to child porn sites and put in your credit card details just to analyse what you went through as a kid?

Ok, yep I see your point, that all seems fine.

Sorry to have troubled you, carry on.

Nonce-o-meter: 5/10 (there are other ways to carry out research Pete. Ever heard of the library?)

Bill Wyman
When Wyman was 47 he started dating 13 year old Mandy Smith “with her mother’s consent”. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?????

But, it’s not really the mother we should be mad at. It’s the leering, sleazy, ugly, millionaire bass player from the Rolling Stones. It’s astonishing how easily and frequently this sordid tale is overlooked. Everybody goes “yes but they were in love and he later married her when she was 19”. And????

It.is.illegal.to.have.sex.with.a.minor.

She would have been in the third year at school for christ’s sake!!! Apparently he waited a while until he started banging her. Waited until she was 14. You know, he wanted to make sure she was ready. Do the right thing. He was nearly 50 you see, he’d had a lot of experience and wanted to behave like a gentleman.

To put it into chronological perspective: Mandy Smith was born in 1970 the year of free love and Hendrix’s death. Bill Wyman was born in 1936 the year of the Nuremburg rallies. Not surprisingly they divorced by the time Smith was 21 and Wyman was 53. Wyman probably couldn’t get it up by then.

Smith went on to marry former Everton and Spurs footballer Pat Van Den Hauwe - a fate arguably worse than being molested by a paedo.

Nonce-o-meter: 8/10 (if there’s grass on the wicket eh Bill? You filthy paedo cunt)

Roman Polanski
In 1977 (the 70s were a prolific decade for noncery) Polanski was charged with “rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy, lewd and lascivious act upon a child under fourteen, and furnishing a controlled substance to a minor”. This charge was later changed to “unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor.” As soon as he was physically able to flee, Polanski got the fuck out of America and back to the safety of France (where sleeping with underage girls is frankly de rigeur)
Mitigating circumstances? Polanski maintains the sex with Samantha Gailey was consensual. He also survived the Holocaust, his mother died at Auschwitz and he’s one of the most talented film makers of the 20th century. Give him a break yeah.

Nonce-o-meter: 7/10 (the Quaaludes thing looks bad and she did say ‘no’)

Gary Glitter
There are no words to describe this cunt. He should basically be killed.













Nonce-o-meter: 11/10 (the electric chair is too good for this cunt. I wonder if anybody…anybody…still has his records in their collection.)

R. Kelly
Pissed into a 14 year old girl’s mouth and filmed it. It doesn’t get more wrong than that.












Nonce-o-meter: 10/10 (hot and fresh out the kitchen)