Cunts of Leon

By UNCUNT staff

When is something going to be done about Kings of Leon? They show no signs of voluntarily packing up their gear and fucking off, so surely it falls to us - the British public - to get the message home that their kind are not wanted here?

Well, so far, the British public have singularly failed to get this message across. In fact, like poorly little puppy dogs at Battersea Dog’s Home we’ve been metaphorically lapping up Kings of Leon’s vomit for virtually the past decade. We’ve been sniffing their shit and licking their balls like inquisitive dogs on heat. What is our fucking problem?

When these bearded cunts emerged out of Tennessee clinging desperately to the coat tails of the Strokes and the White Stripes like some kind of deranged maniacs the joke was rather droll for a time. But it soon wore thin….

‘Red Morning Light’? Doesn’t mean anything, can’t hear what he’s saying but it’s lively enough and I like how the drummer hits the cymbals.

‘Molly’s Chamber’? Doesn’t mean anything, can’t hear what’s he’s saying, it’s a bit less lively and the drummer’s not hitting the cymbal in the same way.

‘The Bucket’? Ok, he’s enunciating better here but what’s this shit about “18 and balding”?

King of the Rodeo? Lively enough. But what the FUCK is he saying???? Open your mouth you mumbling, clichéd fuckpiece.

By the time they got on to their ‘wanky rock star’ phase of 'On Call' and (somebody please rip off my ears with cheese wire then shoot me in the face) 'Sex On Fire', the warning signs had long been ignored. Their popularity went up, their sales went up, their marketability went up, their stadium tour bookings went up. The quality of the music went down. Strange that…

But it really is those stadium tours that irk us the most here at UNCUNT. Do they ever leave our shores? Clearly they’ve identified Britain as a weak, vulnerable spot they can exploit. To the point where some kind of regulatory body should step in and place a cease and desist order. They’ve never achieved success in their native America. Why would they? Americans aren’t impressed with bands whose main selling point is being American.

3-4 times a year these cunts come back over here with their American ways – stealing our jobs and raping our women. Playing the O2, Wembley or Hyde Park. No sooner have they got off stage from playing their traditional pre-Christmas show then their cunt of a tour manager is booking their next pre-Christmas show.

For their upcoming O2 shows, Ticketmaster have a special Kings of Leon Ultimate Experience deal. For the price of a mere £295 one can buy tickets to the borefest plus entrance to an exclusive pre-show ‘party’ (not after-party you understand) at which they might, just might be able to catch a fleeting glimpse of their hairy heroes. Possibly even talk to them. Definitely not touch them though, security would step in to prevent that happening. Ach, who are we kidding huh? The band will probably be in a roped off area refusing to make eye contact with the plebs. Like David Bowie in that episode of Extras. Also included in the price: an exclusive tour poster. What?? Like exclusive as in ‘only available on eBay’ exclusive?’ Presumably the lucky punters are allowed crisps and peanuts and a can of Lilt before being ushered away from the ‘party’.

But don’t blame Ticketmaster for this hideous corporate sell out. This has the Cunts of Leon hallmark all over it. They are here to demand your money (average £55 per concert ticket) in return for a sub-standard parody of Deep South rock’n’roll.

They’re not big, they’re not clever. They’re inbred and they’re very very ugly. Do something better with your lives.

Choose life, choose a career. Just Say No to Kings of Leon.