The Christmas Cuntdown

By UNCUNT staff

In the shopping malls, on the radio, on VH fucking 1, you just can't avoid Christmas tunes. Some of them are brilliant. Some are cunt-ridden. Here's UNCUNT's selection of the best (and by "best" I mean absolute fucking worst)

Cliff Richard - The Millenium Prayer



Listen Cliff, if that is your real name (it’s not), why don’t you take your God, your daily bread, your 260m records sold worldwide and shove them up your leathery, fake-tanned, puckered, born again arsehole. You’ve shat on the beauty that is Auld Lang Syne and you’ve forced your God shit down people’s necks once too often. This single, quite incredibly, went to number one. Who the fuck went out and bought this? Oh, Christians. (And not the band The Christians with that bald chap, I mean actual Christians….you know, Catholics, Protestants, Baptists, all that shit…..yes they do still exist.) Well thanks Christians for ruining Christmas and for ruining pop music forever. If Jesus had an iPod he would definitely skip this track every single fucking time.

*Cliff's real name is in fact Harry

David Bowie & Bing Crosby - Little Drummer Boy



Having tired of entering Berlin, coked out of his walnut and sieg heiling like a good ‘un, David Bowie decided to devote the rest of his music and ‘acting’ career to being a cunt. There was that one exception, Labyrinth, but even then many people see that as a bit cuntish in its own right. Here, he teamed up with Bing Crosby; famous for the racist yuletide classic White Christmas. What’s so wrong about this is not the shit-yourself-cringeworthy banter or Bowie’s hideous south London twang, it’s not even his shite 80s haircut. It’s the fact that this song was never, EVER intended for the pop charts. This is what you sing in school assembly when you’re 6 years old (and even then it’s crap). What in shitting crikey were these cunts thinking?

Madonna - Santa Baby



Did she really need to do this? Did she? Did she really? Really?

New Kids On The Block - Funky, Funky Christmas



I’m going to warn you. Watching this video could be damaging to your mental health. It has literally nothing to do with the actual concept of Christmas and everything to do with cashing in on fleeting, superficial chart success. I’ll admit, I liked NKOTB. When I was 9. I also liked Bros. But Bros never tried to act like street-wise tough guys, with baseball caps on back to front did they? They were a decent, honest boy band. Not like this shower of cunts.

Smashing Pumpkins - Christmastime



After producing one of the 90s finest rock albums Siamese Dream, Billy Corgan made the conscious decision to become a weird skinhead vampire. He went in to talk to his PR agent and his record label and told them grunge was over and the kids of the future would much rather listen to a whining, self-pitying, angst-ridden, goth twat wearing leather trousers. In many ways he was correct. In many ways Billy Corgan invented Emo. And for that alone, his career will always be remembered as a shit-stained aberration. What his PR guys, and the rest of the world, weren’t expecting was a Christmas single. Surely it went against his moody image? I mean, Metallica never recorded a Christmas single did they? Slipknot never recorded a single with Ol’ Dirty Bastard on lead vocals did they?

No they didn't. Although a part of me really, really wishes that they had.