New Cunts On The Block

By UNCUNT staff

A couple of Friday's ago I made the regrettable decision to watch the Jonathan Ross Show. I only caught the last 15 minutes but what I saw was still enough to make me angry.

Jonathan Ross himself is not a cunt. He's a nice man who has to work with cunts on a weekly basis. Ross also has decent taste in music. So it's a shame that his production team force him to schedule cunts like The Drums on his show.

Don't get me wrong, The Drums do have a right to exist. In a fantasy world where artifical life has taken over the earth. In this sci-fi imagining, the heart, soul and minds of human beings have been surgically removed and replaced with bits of lego and stuff. Humans have been enslaved and the world is run by homoerotic robots with neat haircuts and bleached teeth. These robots listen to The Drums on their iPods and give them recording contracts. They have no critical taste and are devoid of any genuine emotions. If anybody dissents and is heard to mutter "fuck off, these are shite" under their breath, the secret robot police come and take you off to the robot leader where you are charged with treason and tortured.

But this is the real world, not Orwell's '1984'. So how have these cunts (Jonathan Pierce, Jacob Graham, Adam Kessler and Connor Hanwick from Brooklyn, NYC) infiltrated our music scene?*

Well, they did it using one song. Not the song above, but one probably written for them by a producer who's spent too much time listening to Television and then thought "hey, this would sound good if like Marc Almond sang on it and it was a bit more Blink 182-ish" - the result, 'Let's Go Surfing'.

It's a catchy tune. Annoyingly catchy. The video is meaningless. All four of the twats jogging aimlessly on the beach at night under cover of darkness; perhaps hinting at their previous careers as rent boys? If there was ever a good time for a Tsunami to pound ashore dragging all life out to sea it was surely during the filming of that video.

The words Pierce sings lack anything approaching real sentiment or meaning. Presumably a deliberate attempt to be clever and edgy. Fail. Fuck off and try again.

"Wake up, there's a new kid in the town. Honey, he's moving into the big house." whines the lead cunt, pandering horrifically to the kind of 'rich kid chic' The Strokes really didn't want to engender in modern indie music but sadly did - just by being rich.

Back to the Jonathan Ross show and I can't quite believe what I'm seeing. As his seemingly 14 year old backing band keep their heads down, presumably embarrassed or fearing the sack if they miss a note, the singer (I can't be bothered to write his name again) affects some kind of stilted, spasticated mime act while 'singing' a verse about his best friend who died at the age of 23 (you don't sound that bothered, you cunt.) Then, to cap it all, a chorus with shrieking, constipated vowel noises rather than actual words.

My first impulse is to chuck the TV out of the window. But such an act would be self defeating as it would just mess up my garden.

Later, Chris texts me saying "I felt like taking a crowbar to the singer's face".

If anybody else out there feels like taking a crowbar to the singer's face - please, feel free. Maybe if we get enough people together we can attack him as an angry, baying mob. If we all wear balaclavas, pick an ambush spot out of sight of CCTV and disperse in waiting getaway cars, the chances of being charged with murder would be significantly reduced.


*There is no music scene anymore - just an endless stream of unconnected marketed/PR'd bullshit.